Shagger's Cramp and the Cone of Silence
by Bvee
Summary: Got an awful cramp in your leg or butt from strenuous, extra curricular activity? I'm not talking sport! Who's going to rub it better, when the one who caused it is dead for the day? You need a handy housemate! Amelia helps Sookie out. AU oneshot  maybe


**A big thank you to the hugely funny Honeypop for agreeing to edit this story and also a big thank you to VikingGirl74 for her most valued opinion. **

**Shagger's Cramp and the Cone of Silence**

Owww_ oww owwww! Oh my butt, arrrgghh my leg! Owwwwwwwwwwwwww!_

"Ameliaaaaaaa!" Sookie wailed. "Help me please!" _Oh thank god she's home,_ Sookie thought as she heard her friend pound up the stairs towards her room.

"Sook, what's up? Are you ok?" called Amelia through the closed door.

"Don't panic. Come in, I'm on the floor." _Arrrgghh how am I going to explain this and how will I ever live it down?_ "Come on Ames, I'm hurting here!"

Wide-eyed, Amelia opened the door to find her friend naked, laying face down on the floor clutching the upper thigh of her unnaturally stiff right leg. Although the situation looked pretty funny to her, Amelia refrained from commenting until she'd helped Sookie up from the floor and back onto her bed. By the look on Sookie's face, she'd not managed to keep those internal wonderings to herself.

"Oh Ames, it hurts so much. This is the worst leg cramp I've had in my entire life. Please, please, please rub this spot here." Sookie indicated her thigh and rump with a grimace on her face and tears in her eye.

'_Geez this must be bad for Sookie to be ignoring the fact she's naked in the same room as another person other than the big bad blond,'_ thought Amelia.

"Amelia! Please shut up! Telepathic, remember? I'm suitably mortified having you, see me like this!"

"Sure Sookie, just hold on, let me grab my tiger balm. You'll be fixed in a jiffy," Amelia threw over her shoulder as she dashed to her own bathroom. Upon her return she found Sookie had managed to cover part of her body with the corner of her quilt.

"Now just hold still and let me work my magic," said Amelia as she scooped a dab of balm from the jar.

"Magic what?" Sookie practically leapt from the bed only to be thwarted by her mutinous leg and just ended up losing just a little more dignity in the process. _Could this really get any worse? Fuck me, not only am I naked and needing medical assistanc, I just flashed my girlie bits at Ames! Maybe she didn't notice. Damn…yes she did. The dirty bitch is smirking! _"Ames, don't magic my butt, just press on the cramped muscle already! And please stop smirking. I'd love nothing more than to have a hole open in the floor so that I can just crawl in and hide."

"Sookie, if you'd just hold still I'll put the tiger balm on the sore spot. I don't know what you're so embarrassed about, you haven't got anything I haven't seen before," commented Amelia as she worked on the muscles in the offending area with her two thumbs. "Just relax," She soothed.

"Easy for you to say," came the muffled response from Sookie, as she'd buried her beet red face into a pillow while her friend fixed the cramp.

"How'd you end up with such a bad cramp anyway?" asked Amelia, although she had a pretty good idea since Eric's clothes were strewn across the floor. She'd had her fair share of leg cramps in the same area but wanted to see if her friend would own up to what she'd been doing last night.

"Just must've slept funny," was Sookie's sheepish response. "Ah, thanks Ames, you can stop rubbing my butt now," said Sookie, as she sat up gingerly, dragging more of her quilt to cover her body. Amelia gave her a skeptical look as she stepped back to give Sookie some room.

"Oh, sure you did! That," said Amelia while triumphantly pointing to Sookie's cramped butt, "is called shagger's cramp." Judging by the colour of Sookie's face, Amelia was right. "Get dressed Shagatron, I've made us some coffee," called Amelia as she headed back down the stairs.

Needing some time to recover from her embarrassing ordeal, Sookie decided a shower was a good option right about now. She could hear her room mate's verbal and mental laughter coming up from the kitchen. _Shagatron! Seriously where did she come up with these names?_ thought Sookie while putting her face under the shower spray. A few minutes later she was joining Amelia at the dining room table, a mug of steaming hot coffee in her hands.

"This is bliss Ames, thanks for the coffee," sighed Sookie closing her eyes, taking in the aroma of her morning elixir.

"No problem, my pretty. Now will you tell me about last night willingly or am I gonna have to drag it out of you?" asked Amelia.

Sookie cracked an eye open to look at her super smug buddy giving her the hairy eyeball back.

"No," she responded. "A lady never tells."

"Oh come on, I've heard you two at it, hammer and tongs and believe me, you don't sound like a lady!" was Amelia quick return.

"Amelia! You've listened in?" asked Sookie, incredulous. She was burning red with embarrassment from head to toe at the thought of what her housemate had potentially overheard.

"Ha ha ha, are you kidding? It's not like I needed to put my ear to your door, Sook. You're a screamer, baby! But I guess when the Viking sex god wants to pillage your village, with a thousand years of experience it would be hard not to be," mused Amelia laughingly. Sookie's prim demeanor took a dive and was replaced by a slightly misty smug look as she thought back on her climax'athon with Eric last night. She was rudely brought back to the here and now by Amelia clicking her fingers in front of her face.

"Earth to Shagatron, come in Shagatron."

"Hmmmm," was Sookie's only response as she took a pull on her coffee.

"As I was saying," continued Amelia "I don't need to put my ear to your door to hear what's going on, so I created a talisman that blocks those sounds from entering my bedroom."

"Oh right, good one Ames," said Sookie faintly, at a loss for anything more to say.

"Yeah, I still have to get from the front door to my room, but once I'm there I just poke my finger into the talisman, say the words and the cone of silence, descends around my room." Amelia was pretty proud of her witching skills and this sounded like a pretty useful tool to have.

"Geez Amelia, I'm really sorry you've had to endure the sounds of our, um, lovemaking. Why didn't you tell us to shut up or talk to me about it earlier?" queried Sookie. Amelia just shrugged.

"It's no big deal Sook. Don't worry. The secret life of Shagatron and the Viking sex god are safe with me."

"Please don't call me Shagatron."

"Okay, how about Knobgoblin or Sookiesackslapper?" laughed Amelia, as she dodged the teaspoon Sookie flung at her.

"Tell me about this Cone of Silence thing you created. It sounds kind of neat."

Amelia just shrugged again and returned to her seat. "Needs must, I guess." said Amelia. "I didn't want to piss on your party so I gave it some thought one morning, spoke to Octavia and voila: The Cone of Silence."

"Yeah, but what is it exactly?" asked Sookie.

"Wait here a minute and I'll get it to show you," said Amelia. She got up and put some bread in the toaster on the way past the counter.

Upon her return, she retrieved the toast from the toaster and grabbed the butter and vegemite from the fridge before sitting back at the table.

"Here, this is the talisman," said Amelia as she handed over the pendant suspended from a piece of leather.

"Ewww, Amelia!" gasped Sookie as she inspected the trinket more closely. It was stylizsed girlie bits made out of red Fymo, with a hole poked through it where boys bits are meant to go. The pendant was strung from what should be the clitoris.

"Ames, this is gross! Why did it have to look like this?"

"It was purpose built. I didn't want to block all noise from entering my room. I mean, what if you guys were yelling at me to get out because there was a fire or some other catastrophe? I only needed to block the sound of your heavy duty, balls deep, bonking so this is what I came up with," she said, putting her hand out for the pendant, which Sookie gladly returned.

"Yeah but why does it have a hole in it?"

"Oh, um, well, that's were I stick my finger while reciting the incantation for the spell." Now Amelia was the one looking sheepish, as she went on to explain how it worked. Sookie's eyebrows had crept up her forehead as Amelia continued to elaborate….

"When I come home and hear what you two are up to, I pull out my talisman. I rub my finger in the hole and say: _'Panting and groaning, my room mates are boning. _

_Have fun my friends as the cone of silence descends'._ Then I just hang this pendant on my door handle and none of your slap and tickle soundtrack invades my room." Amelia just looked at Sookie with a wink and a grin. Sookie was stunned into silence choosing instead to make herself some vegemite toast.

After a few thoughtful bites, Sookie had regained enough of her equilibrium to truly appreciate the awesomeness of her friend's witchy skills.

"Meels, don't get a fat head or anything, but that's freaking brilliant!" Sookie smiled winningly at her friend. She could tell Amelia wasn't expecting this reaction. "Have you thought about making a whole bunch of these things to sell at your shop? We can't be the only roomies to over hear the bedroom antics of one another."

Amelia was now holding the red fanny talisman aloft examining it.

"Hmmm no, I hadn't really considered the commercial value of this little baby."

"Well you should! Oh and Meels, do you think you could alter the talisman and incantation to cover snoring and farting?" Sookie inquired.

"Sure I guess so. Why?"

"I need one of each, because you do both in your sleep and Eric has heard you."

Sookie was smug as she watched her friend turn 10 shades of red. _Ha, stick that in your pipe and smoke it!_

**A/N: I might be persuaded to enlighten you as to the cause of the cramp if you show me some love ;) Go on, click the button. It helps to make the magic happen!**


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